


Yet Another Lie

by alicenmax (Elsfia)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst and Feels, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fictober 2020, Secret Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26792005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsfia/pseuds/alicenmax
Summary: Solas wants to tell her the truth. He almost does.
Relationships: Female Lavellan/Solas
Kudos: 17





	Yet Another Lie

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Yet Another Lie](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26792176) by [so-ellie-s (Elsfia)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsfia/pseuds/so-ellie-s)



> Based on the Fictober prompt #3 ("you did this?") + inspired by [this amazing post on Tumblr](https://alicenmax.tumblr.com/post/630959838898388992/cyran9-ma-salath-ma-salath)

-1-

He finds hard time concentrating on the manifests scattered on his desk. It's troubling, disquieting; he knows he's being too distracted. To put it mildly. 

His memory swirls around the fading silhouette of their shared dream at lost Haven; Lavellan was there, with her mischievous look, and amused smirk, and soft lips...

He felt the whole world change, indeed. That changes everything. That — _almost_ — changes everything because Solas knows precisely what he would never give up. 

He hears quiet footsteps entering the rotunda but doesn't look up until she greets him and only then smiles. They talk small unimportant things, pretending that the world is still the same. He can see her eyes searching his piercefully as if to uncover the deep meaning he has to say. 

"It means I haven't forgotten the kiss", he reassures her, and there's the mischievous look again and the amused smirk on her soft lips. She's just as real as was in that dream, and all of this is real. Although it can't be, it couldn't be, and yet it is there. 

Solas catches an astray, crazy thought crossing his mind. What if, albeit in theory, he were to tell her everything? Confess he's the one who shattered the elven world, their immortality and innate feel of magic. Confess he's the one the Dalish are so swift to recall in a whole lot of their curses. Admit that he's going to amend everything he did. 

Would she treat him as a different person then? In her eyes he would probably appear as an ancient shadow of a fearful legend. Would she even _believe_ him? 

"You did this?" Lavellan gasps in awe, and Solas blinks looking up at her. She's standing near the wall observing the fresh paint. Then she raises a hand hesitantly as if wanting to touch, but never does. She looks back at him waiting for an answer that doesn't come quickly. 

"Yes", humbly admits Solas to more than she's asking about, hiding his eyes from her inquisitive look. It's just only now that he pays attention to a scratch on the desk surface. It feels reassuring, anchoring him to the moment to feel the wood under his fingers. It feels like he's on the verge of a leap, and— 

"Didn't know you were an artist", she tells him with a thrill in her voice, and when he catches her look, there's warmth, and admiration, affection even. 

"One of some of my talents", he replies, and her cheeks add to color, and the leap never comes. 

She leaves, and Solas sits back at his desk, staring at the short scratch on the desk surface. 

He will have to tell her the truth, eventually. 

-2-

"I haven't even asked," she starts on another occasion. "How did you know about Skyhold?" 

Solas considers his own words carefully. Frankly, he only has one option that could be both careful and — hopefully — satisfying enough. 

"You will never stop marveling at how much you can learn in the Fade." 

"Ah," she chuckles. "I should've guessed." 

He decides another scratch on the desk would be a necessary reminder. 

-3-

He knows she must be worried about his disappearance after the incident on the Exalted Plains. And she is indeed, and even does not try to hide it when she meets him at the yard, probably warned of him finally showing up by the scouts. 

"Are you alright? Where have you been?" she throws a lot of questions at him and Solas is sorry he cannot actually give her as many answers. 

"You know you can tell me everything," she says to his ear when she's wrapping her arms around his neck. Solas is fully aware this scene has caught too much attention from others present in the yard as well as on the battlements. 

"I know", he agrees and suggests, "Let's speak somewhere more private." 

But when they are back to rotunda, he only finds courage to answer the most upfront of her queries, but not to give her anything — _something_ — more. 

That makes it a scratch number three, he thinks grimly. 

-4-

Once he goes into the rotunda to find her already standing there at his desk. 

"Vhenan?" he calls her from the doorway.

"What are these marks for, Solas?" she asks curiously, touching the scratches with her fingers. "Were you counting something?"

"That..." he finds himself at a loss for a decent explanation, stepping further as if to take a closer look at what she's referring to, but actually only buying himself a few extra seconds. "That was my scoreboard against Dorian."

She gives him an incredulous look and raises her eyebrows and says something like she didn't think he was a gambler either. 

"So who's won?" she asks at last, and he feigns reluctance to admit it was a draw. 

That is silly, and he only hopes that neither Dorian hears it from the upper level nor the Inquisitor herself would go up to him to ask for more details.

When she's gone, he is frustrated to carve another mark. This is just starting to get out of his hands. 

And probably Lavellan would soon decide that it's best to order him a new desk. 

-5-

He arrives back in Skyhold before she does, and he only hopes her trip is just as safe as the one he had. He can't find the heart to think she might be less lucky, although luck is obviously not the notion to consider in current circumstances. 

He intended to tell her and could not. He offered this trip for the sole purpose only, and still he failed to do as he must. He babbled nuisance instead and spelled her vallaslin off, a step he should have reconsidered twice in advance when he didn't put much thought to it at all. 

_Ar lasa mala revas._

If only it was true, for both of them. 

He puts all his distress to a new desk mark, this one longer, crossing through the previous scratches and everything they implied. He cannot keep it this way. He's got to detach from her so that he wouldn't get ultimately distracted. Now it is done. 

And that is the bottom line. 

-6-

She comes asking about it anyway. 

"What was all this about, Solas? Why— just _why_ are you pushing me away?"

He holds his breath in for an indecisive moment, hesitant if he can tell her this time. She looks at him almost furiously, in despair-like kind of rage. 

Solas thinks she might just dismiss what he has to say as an inadequate excuse, another tale to feed her with instead of simply being honest with her. He isn't sure if he's right. He decides it's not the right moment to try for a proof. 

"Will you talk to me when we are finished with Corypheus?" she almost gives up pleading for at least such compromise. 

He considers it for a second. It doesn't sound like a bad option. 

"If we are both still alive afterward, then I promise you, everything will be made clear." 

He feels like he means it. But still, another opportunity is lost, no matter how good he could justify it to himself. 

A new carving appears as stand-alone, next to the crossed out, and he sighs both at the symbolism and grim irony. 

He suspects there might be no end to this, actually. 

At least until he tells her the whole truth, after all. 

-7-

That's most likely the last chance he has to offer her the confession. She deserves it, and he's sure as hell postponed it long enough. 

She checks up on him before they take off and she's still acting uncertain around him, as if probing, assessing each and every step in advance. 

_She is bare-faced, embarrassed, and she doesn't know. She thinks it's because of her._

"Wait," he calls when she's just about to leave. She turns back immediately, confusion and hope glowing in her eyes. "There’s something I need to tell you."

She makes a step towards him, and that's it, that's the moment he is going to take off his burden. That's also the moment someone else steps into the rotunda — and they both glance at Cullen, coughing awkwardly in perfect awareness he's disturbing a private moment. 

"My apologies," he says gently. "I just couldn't find you anywhere. That's— that's not that urgent, I'll be waiting for you outside then." 

He disappears from the doorway, and Lavellan bites her lips, turning back to him. 

"What was it you were going to say?" she asks after a moment of silence.

Solas realizes the words are never coming from his mouth. 

"I—" he startles. "Please just be careful out there, da’len."

"As always", she smiles sadly and goes after Cullen. 

Solas tries his best to keep his hand steady without trembling as he adds a scratch that he knows would be the last one.

He fails. 


End file.
